aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
The Others (2001)
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
In banana years, I am bread.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.