You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
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Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Y’all ready for this
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.