Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
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Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My inexpensive home security system…
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.