You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
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[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
Never ghost your hitman.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.