[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
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date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Found the job I’m suited for
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline