king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
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Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole