Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
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Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do