Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
You Might Also Like
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
Why font matters.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Important
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.