Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
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In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.