Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me