Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
No way!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*