i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
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It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
No, I don’t think I will.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it