I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
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Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
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aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.