I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
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I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Wednesday
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?