“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.