doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
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I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…