My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
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Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.