VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day