*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
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snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed