Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
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My circle of trust is a meatball
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
My boyfriend told me that his new years resolution was to try anal. He’s going to be so suprised when he sees the strap on i just bought.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom