Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
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i really liked this one
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.