Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
You Might Also Like
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
A wise man once said nothing.