How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Mummies are just super modest zombies
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
no one ever comes back
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
Tell me you get it…🤣
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it