How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
fr
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?