Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
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Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat