When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
That’s fair
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*