Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
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Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Ok, but like, how married are you?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan