depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
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If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
You’ll be OK
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.