*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

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When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.


For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.


In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection


Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.




I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.


MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.


Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..


Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…