*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You Might Also Like
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh