@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

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@MythicPicnic

When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.

@ozzyunc

For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.

@meganamram

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

@ShaunRightNow

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

@SomeChrisTweets

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

@mellimelle

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

@LoveNLunchmeat

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

@angeliav68

Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..

@brokemycoccyx

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…