My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
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Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
had to share :’)
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.