[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
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Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My children were pretending to lead a workout class, and one of them stopped and yelled “tater tot break” and this is a fitness trend I can fully embrace.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.