no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
You Might Also Like
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.