We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
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Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!