Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
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If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?