A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Girl, same.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Why soy sad?
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Scream sneezers need love too.
i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer
#have a #great #PancakeDay
