A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
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my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Last-minute gift idea!
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.