There should be a place that rents baby goats out by the hour to come over and maintain your lawn
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Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner