I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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3 day weekend: *exists*
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My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Noah was an idiot.
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Alien: Take me to your leader.
Me: (nervous af) Look my wife is following a diet and she’s not in the best mood today…
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
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With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.