I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
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#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
(Gaming support cat.)
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry