Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking

[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive

[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.

Son: You act like the dog is better than me.

Me: Sit

*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*

Me: I rest my case

Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.

Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it

Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach

“Your rescue request is very important to us…”

went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes

VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”

NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace

Sunday

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.

“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.

I look at her.

I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.

okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?

*room chuckles*

*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.