I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
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You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
The future is now.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*