Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
how to have an accident 101
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.