I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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I love the smell of relapse in the morning
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
describing stardew valley
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks