Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
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You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Nice try, NASA
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
Just a phase…
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.