Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
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Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.