[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
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Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.