Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
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*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.