Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
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Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485