Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Oh boy, $150,000!
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter