I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
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I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
🤭😂
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
me working on my assignments ^-^
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
#oldknees
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.