*praying for world peace*
God:
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me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.