Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Is this you?
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
concern
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station