When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.