If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.