My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
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I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.